When it comes to monsters my all time favorite is the vampire. Nothing even compares. Vampires embody some of our most primal fears: being taken over by a foreign entity, claustrophobia (coffins), becoming a thrall to the master (slavery), and our loved ones being brought back from the dead in one kind of evil form or another.
It is with great sadness, regret, and abject horror that I've witnessed the pussification of the vampire in modern culture in the last several years. I've seen my beloved blood sucking ghouls reduced from malevolent spawns of darkness to brooding emo goth asshats who look like they haven't had a sandwich in six months let alone a sip of O+.
Somewhere Abraham Van Helsing is turning over in his fictional grave.
While many factors have contributed to this debacle of the undead , one glaring piece of fecal matter sticks out. You know what I'm talking about: The Twilight Novels.
(Now I freely admit I've read all the books. Before you go judging me I want to say there are two reasons why I subjected myself to these atrocities of "literature." The first is that I love all things vampire. Sometimes you find some excellent diamonds in the rough. Incidentally, anyone who is a fan of vamps I suggest you check out the novels I Am Legend by Richard Matheson or The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. Secondly, anyone who follows my blog knows that about 75% of it is devoted to movie reviews. Anytime I have to see a movie based on a novel I like to read it ahead of time if I can. And let's face it sometimes it can be fun to trash a truly awful movie like the Twilight films are. Furthermore, the movies have the added bonus of being based on equally horrendous books.)
The titular head of Stephanie Meyer's vampire saga is Edward Cullen. Never has a more ridiculous, unlikeable, or weaker vampire been created by an author. I use the term "author" liberally because Stephanie Meyer's works are nothing more than one step above fan fiction. Edward is a "vegetarian" who doesn't feast on humans but rather drinks animal blood. He also is resistant to silver and garlic and never seems to show fangs. Worst of all Edward, rather than be killed by daylight, simply sparkles in the sun.
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Real vampires are NONE of these things. They are dark, malevolent, evil creatures whose fangs gleam in the moonlight. Vampires are relentless, domineering, lustful creatures.
REAL vampires drink human blood.
REAL vampires kill.
REAL vampires die in sunlight, a stake through the heart, or silver.
You want a REAL example of vampires? Rent 30 Days of Night. The vampires are animalistic bad-asses. Just like vampires should be.
Edward Cullen and the rest of Meyer's "vampires" are not denizens of the undead. They are charlatans, tricksters, fake vamps in goth/emo clothing. They might as well put on white face paint and drink Clamato juice like the douches on South Park.
Now granted I can tolerate certain "good" vampires like Bill Compton on HBO's True Blood. The acting and story lines are fantastic with a ton of supernatural creatures. Plus it was put together by Alan Ball and anyone who has watched Six Feet Under knows what that man can do when he gets behind a television show.
The reason I can enjoy a show like True Blood however is because it doesn't stray too far away from the vampire mythos. Vampires on TB are vicious, violent, rampantly sexual, and are killed by most of the standard means. Twilight deviates so far from the norm it is laughable. The novels read more like something one of the Bronte sisters from 19th century might have written. Meyer has come out and said she based the Twilight novels on books like Wuthering Heights. Not only does that prove that she has no original ideas, it also shows her taste in literature is horrendous. If I want a brooding novel set in gloomy English countrysides I'll go re-read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre. However, since I hated both those novels it's never going to happen. Meyer's vampires might as well be a completely different monster. Call them Pattipires.
And what hath Twilight wrought? Only more of the same unfortunately. Now not only do I have to deal with twihards (who mostly consist of 13 year old girls) and the unfortunate launch of Robert Pattinson's "career" but I have to deal with shite like The Vampire Diaries on the CW. Even worse my friend Chip texted me the other day from Barnes and Noble and said there were three stands of books under the category "Teen Paranormal Romance." Uggghhh. Someone just shove an ash stake through my heart right now.
I sincerely hope that there is an end to this bleak and gloomy (or should I say brooding and sparkly) tunnel. I just have to remain patient and pray that this whole vampire-light phase is merely a fad. Until then I'll have to content myself with re-reading 'Salem's Lot, watching The Lost Boys for the 1000th time, and burning pictures of Robert Pattinson.
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