Review: The Expendables

Plot: A group of mercenaries led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) are hired by the C.I.A. to overthrow a South American dictator. Self labeled "The Expendables" Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and Toll Road (Randy Couture) soon find themselves battling a South American army, a corrupt ex-C.I.A. operative (Eric Roberts), and just for good measure "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

Review: About a quarter of the way through The Expendables Barney Ross turns to Lee Christmas and says, "What's wrong with this picture?" to which Christmas replies, "Everything."

My sentiments exactly.

If Die Hard is the Casblanca of action films, The Expendables is the Plan 9 From Outer Space. This movie is a colossal failure on all levels; a bloated over the top violence-fest that would be laughable if it wasn't so tragic. Thank God I did not have to pay to get into this movie or I would be asking for my money back with interest.

For a movie that had just about every action star ever born in it, you'd think that some level of success would be a forgone conclusion. You'd be wrong. An army of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks couldn't have saved this film. For me The Expendables most marked flaw was its script. It's sad to think that the man who wrote Rocky could have produced this piece of refuse. The plot and dialogue was something that a thirteen year old junior high student could have topped. (If you need solid proof just glance at the names of the characters in the plot section of this review.) Laden with f-bombs, cliches, and trite moments, the only way Stallone could have improved this script is if he set it on fire. Seriously, I mean how many jokes can we have about Jet Li's character being short, or objectifying women, or how fast and powerful one character is over another. The Expendables is a testosterone laced fantasy that spends almost two hours trying to figure out which character's dick is bigger than the other. And the main storyline is an attack on a South American dictator with drug connections??? That tired old story is the best you can come up with?

Speaking of tired and old, while The Expendables failed to display a coherent or interesting plot, it also made up for it by being completely devoid of any acting talent. But then again that's what happens when you cast former WWE wrestlers and MMA fighters in your film. (Steve Austin's character's name in this film is Dan Paine by the way. Ummm....yeah.) Seriously take your pick with this movie. It was a battle to see who could act worse in this film. However in my opinion Dolph Lundgren wins the prize. I should have known he was going to be awful when one of the initial scenes showed him talking about hanging a pirate. (Don't ask.) Add to that Toll Road (Couture) talking about his cauliflower ear or Hale Caesar (Crews) describing his weapons like they were people and you'll get the general idea. In fact the ONLY bright spot in this film is Mickey Rourke who plays Tool, a former Expendable and current arms dealer and tattoo artist. The scene where he describes how and why he left the team is actually pretty good. Believe me when I say Rourke did Stallone a favor by agreeing to be in this movie.

The action in The Expendables is over the top even by action movie standards. None of the heroes ever gets seriously hurt in the film, everyone is a demolitions expert, and the bad guys always get their comeuppance. Truth be told Jeffrey Kimball's cinematography is so herky jerky it feels like somebody was setting off bombs underneath his camera. And if you like songs by horrible bands like Godsmack and Shinedown you won't be disappointed as these gems only add to Brian Tyler's horrible score.

Sadly with a cost of $82 million dollars I wonder how many starving children this film could have fed. To say this film lacks intelligence is like saying Justin Bieber is a little annoying. About the only intelligent thing related to The Expendables was Jean-Claude Van Damme's decision not to be in the movie. He told Stallone his character, "had no substance." This from a guy who just did a direct-to-DVD version of Universal Soldier 3. Now that's saying something. My opinion of Jean-Claude Van Damme's character and integrity just went through the roof.

A month ago I had the good fortune to see Inception which I think is the best movie of 2010 thus far. Well the universe is all about balance and I received that in spades on Friday when I saw The Expendables. Not only is The Expendables the worst film of 2010, it quite possibly is the worst action film ever made.

My rating: 1/10