This Week on DVD and Blu-Ray

Releases for the week of 11/22: The Expendables, Eat Pray Love, I'm Still Here, The Winning Season, Flipped, Countdown to Zero, Santa Paws, Deadwood (Series), Batman Beyond (series), The Tudors (series), 7th Heaven (series), The Pillars of the Earth, Beauty and the Beast, Salon Kitty

Time to put on the tights! The Next Superman!

Although the buzz of late has revolved around Christopher Nolan's impending third Batman film The Dark Knight Rises, lost in the shuffle is another DC superhero who is getting a reboot. That's right the man of steel will be flying his way back into theaters in late 2012 with filming set to begin in June of next year. (Incidentally if you're counting that makes four major superhero movies coming out in 2012: The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Spiderman, and Man of Steel.)

After the forgettable 2006 Superman Returns, which was nothing more than a fellatio fest of the original, the Hollywood hotshots are hoping to give the Last Son of Krypton a Kryptonite kick in the pants. With Christopher Nolan producing, David S. Goyer writing, and Zack Snyder of 300 and Watchmen directing I have high hopes for this film. The fact that the villain is going to be General Zod and not Lex Luthor is an added bonus. Luthor has been done to death.

Unfortunately at this moment in time Nolan, Goyer, and Snyder have no one to fill the Kryptonian's blue and red tights. Apparently they want to cast an unknown (like Brandon Routh or Christopher Reeve were) or someone from a current television series. Several actors have come to the forefront and I thought it appropriate to put my two cents in regarding who I think should be the next to go up up and away.

The latest suggestion (literally today) has been Matthew Goode who played Ozymandias in Snyder's Watchmen. While Goode would make a good Clark Kent and the duality he portrayed as Ozymandias would come in well here, I just don't see it happening. He seems too thin and too old. Despite Snyder's previous connections with him I doubt it will happen.

Mad Men's Jon Hamm has been another suggestion. This one I think is not only the most unlikely but probably the most ridiculous. The guy is too old for the role at 39 and while I loved him in The Town I just don't see him leaping tall buildings in a single bound.

Actor Armie Hammer, who gained acclaim in the recent movie The Social Network, is one of the latest names being tossed around. A fresh new face, he's certainly a guy Warner Brothers could get behind, but at 24 he might be too young for the role. Plus the blond hair is kind of a deal breaker. Even if he did dye it...eh I don't see it.

Vampires have been all the rage lately (btw congratulations Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on your recent marriage! Oh wait no I don't care because both of you are tools) and it's not surprising that The Vampire Diaries's Ian Somerhalder is being considered for the role. Please God no. I don't need another emo brooding tool taking on the biggest superhero in history.

Which brings me to the last suggested name and the person I'd like to see take the role of Superman. His name is Joe Manganiello of HBO's True Blood. Not only does he look the part but he can act as well. His turn as Alcide Herveaux on HBO's hit vampire drama was excellent and I can definitely see Manganiello bringing a gravitas, maybe even a gritty side to the role.

However my gut feeling is telling me that none of these actors will be cast. I get the strong feeling that it is going to be a virtual unknown. It makes sense anyway. Andrew Garfield of The Social Network was basically an unknown when he was picked as Peter Parker/Spiderman for the Spiderman reboot. I think it could work here as well. We'll know soon enough.

I just hope the "smart guys" in Hollywood don't go all Bizarro and pick someone crazy like Tracy Morgan.

JAOR: Artifical Intelligence (2001)

Plot: In the future ecological disasters have vastly reduced the human population and maintaining a semblance of civilization has come through "mechas", humanoid robots who emulate human emotions and feelings. Professor Allen Hobby (William Hurt) spearheads a cutting edge new program in artificial intelligence. He creates David (Haley Joel Osmet) an android who is designed to feel love. But when his surrogate father and mother Monica and Henry (Frances O'Connor and Jason Robards) abandon him can he, an android, ever find his place in the world?

Review: A.I. is one of the few films I've ever almost walked out on. Pedantic, preachy, dripping with sentiment, and tragically corny it is single handedly the worst film Steven Spielberg has ever done.

There are so many problems inherent with this film that it is a good thing I don't have time to write a novel on this movie.

It has been said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. That's not the case with A.I. The film was originally intended to be filmed by Stanley Kubrick who had been eyeing the project since the 1970s. However after Kubrick's untimely death, Spielberg took over the project. The result was something on par with Yao Ming trying to do an impression of Don Rickles. It just didn't work.

The story itself derives heavily from The Adventures of Pinocchio and is often referenced, along with the Blue Fairy, throughout the film. Much of the movie involves David trying to find the Blue Fairy because he is convinced she will turn him into a real boy. Not only does this sound ludicrous but the fact that it becomes the main focus of the film grinds the movie to a slow pace. Did I say slow? That's an understatement. If the pace got much slower in A.I. it was going to grow roots.

Spielberg's screenplay is the worst kind of mindless dreck imaginable. Devoid of coherency and emotional resonance, the script also stretches plausibility even for a science fiction film. David's constant companion throughout the movie is a talking teddy bear named Teddy. I want to repeat that just in case you think you might have misread that. A FREAKIN' TALKING TEDDY BEAR! How do you expect me as an audience member to take this movie seriously when one of the main characters in the film is a talking teddy bear? It's ridiculous to the point of absurdity. Furthermore, for some unknowable reason at the end movie Spielberg feels the need to jump 2000 years in the future and include aliens in A.I. Say what?

And the acting? Man I tell you does anyone remember when Haley Joel Osmet was America's darling? Seems like forever ago. His performance as David in A.I. makes his role in Pay It Forward look like Sir Lawrence Oliver in Hamlet. His performance is a gushing fountain of nauseating sentiment. David's quest to become a real boy is as compelling as Antiques Road Show. Annoying would be the best way to describe Osmet's performance here. Thankfully for William Hurt and Frances O'Connor Osmet's atrocious acting overshadows their slightly less horrible attempts at thespianism. About the only decent performance in this film is Jude Law as the mecha Gigilo Joe. (Yes his character's name is really gigilo Joe.)

My former film professor Jack Garner once told me that he's seen three hour films that went by in five minutes and 80 minute films that took two weeks. The latter is apropos of A.I. To misquote recent candidate for New York state governor Jimmy McMillian, THE MOVIE IS TOO DAMN LONG! Incidentally watching this film made me want to regurgitate my "breakfastlunchanddinner" as well.

In short A.I. is an overly long, poorly executed, badly paced, horrendously acted, and ponderous foray into science fiction that should have been left on the cutting room floor. If you are considering watching this film do yourself a favor and go watch Futurama instead.

My rating: 1/10

DITRC: The Dream Team (1989)

Plot: Dr. Jeff Weitzman (Dennis Boutsikaris) is a psychiatrist working in a sanitarium in New Jersey. His primary patients include Billy (Michael Keaton) a pathological liar with violent tendencies, Henry (Christopher Lloyd) an obsessive compulsive who thinks he's a psychiatrist, Jack (Peter Boyle) a former ad executive who thinks he's Jesus, and Albert (Stephen Furst) a catatonic who only speaks in baseball terminology. Convinced that his patients need to get out for a day, Weitzman organizes a trip to Yankee stadium. But when Weitzman witnesses a murder by two crooked cops and is rushed to the hospital, the four are abandoned in New York City without supervision and desperate to find Weitzman before he ends up dead.

Review: I freely admit a little bias when it comes to The Dream Team. Next to Fletch it is my all-time favorite comedy. While many who know me know I have a sense of humor (albeit a sick one) not many know that, for some reason, it takes a lot for me to laugh at a movie.

The Dream Team made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it and has ever since. The main ingredients for a fantastic comedy include strong writing, good characters, impeccable timing, and excellent chemistry. The Dream Team has all four of these in spades. Every character is distinct and endearing in their own particular way and the comedic timing between the four characters is a sight to behold. The Dream Team is easily one of Keaton's best comedic performances. He's totally outlandish, sarcastic, and abrupt. Lloyd is perfectly cast as Henry and plays the obsessive compulsive doctor role to a T. Even Furst's Albert, who is most often remembered as Animal House's Flounder, consistently delivers funny lines despite the fact that he only speaks in baseball announcer phrases. (Thankfully not Joe Morgan.)

Peter Boyle really steals the show however. Next to his role as Frankenstein's monster in Young Frankenstein, his turn as God delusional Jack is magnificent. His tendency to strip down naked isn't so much disturbing as it is funny. The scene where he proclaims himself Jesus to a group of black Baptists in NYC is particularly memorable.

What is most impressive however is the personal connection we feel to all the characters. Unlike the movie Grown Ups I just reviewed, all four characters have their individual quirks that make them endearing. Jack is a guy who just cracked after realizing he was in a soulless and demeaning job, Billy is reluctant to take on a leadership role and despite his tough outward exterior is really scared of making personal connections. Meanwhile Henry has a wife and son who desperately want him back in their lives and Albert's social anxiety is as heartbreaking as it is funny and endearing.

Director Howard Zieff, most known for 1980's Private Benjamin gets a lot of credit for The Dream Team. It's not often that a director can get the most out of four actors of this caliber but he pulls it off effortlessly. Kudos also goes out to writers John Connolly and David Loucka who crafted not only a funny script but a surprisingly touching one too.

Forget Jordan, Byrd, and Magic. This comedy gem is the real dream team.

My rating: 9/10

Review: Grown Ups

Plot: Five gradeschool friends return to New England for the funeral of their childhood basketball coach. While the five have gone their separate ways, Lenny Feder (Adam Sandler) decides to rent a cabin for the weekend near their old stomping grounds hoping to recapture the spirit of his lost youth and reconnect with his increasingly distant family.

Review: If the above plot summary sounded cliche the reason is quite simple: because this movie is a cliche. Director Dennis Dugan's Grown Ups is a mildly entertaining buddy comedy from Adam Sandler whose movies over the past several years have degenerated into fodder for critics. While Grown Ups is certainly not as bad as say Little Nicky or Anger Management, Happy Gilmore this isn't.

The main problem with Grown Ups was that I was never emotionally invested in the characters. I know this is an Adam Sandler film and I'm not expecting a lot of depth here but the characters are so stock, it is clear writers Fred Wolf and Adam Sandler phoned it in.

Eric Lamonsoff (Kevin James) is the token fat guy (shocking!) hiding a secret about his job, Marcus Higgins (David Spade) is a sarcastic (again shocking!) womanizer who doesn't seem to want to grow up, Kurt McKenzie (Chris Rock) is a stay at home Dad and would be cook. And then there is Rob Hilliard (Rob Schneider) who has three failed marriages and has a strange fascination with older women. Even Lenny who has become a famous Hollywood agent, is not someone I could really connect to. He's sad because his children want to play video games more than they want to be outside, and frustrated because his wife Roxanne, played by a sexy but forgettable Salma Hayek, is more concerned about making her fashion show in Milan. Boo-freaking-hoo. I feel about as much sympathy for him as I do for Derek Jeter's contract situation right now.

(Incidentally why why WHY does Rob Schneider STILL have a career?? Saying he has no talent is like saying T.O. loves himself. It's just redundant.)

Cheap gags and slapstick humor rule the day. Jokes about Eric's wife's breast milk, playing "archery roulette" (don't ask), or peeing in the pool are some of the "funny" moments in this film. This isn't high brow comedy. It's not even low brow. In fact it's no brow.

There were a few funny moments. One involved another character referring to Chris Rock's character as a certain emaciated pro athlete. Another included Kevin James's accident with a pool. That's about it though.

Of course there is also the obligatory moment where everyone comes together and realizes how they need to keep in touch, they forgive each other for incidents that have happened in the movie, and reaffirm their friendship. I'm sorry excuse me a moment I had to clear the vomit from my throat. The scene is so cliche it's an insult to the word cliche.

Fans of Sandler's comedies will undoubtedly find this uproarious entertainment. (They must have because Grown Ups has grossed over 270 million dollars worldwide.) Unfortunately for the rest of us Grown Ups proves to be another mildly funny comedy from a actor/comedian whose laughs are offering increasingly diminishing returns.

My rating: 5/10

Movie Releases for the Week of 11/1

Out this week: Toy Story 3, Centurion, Once Fallen, The Pacific, The Larry Sanders Show, V Season 1, Beverly Hills 90210 (series), Nip/Tuck (series), The Sound of Music, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Highlander, The Wiz, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, White Christmas, Not of This Earth

NFL's Top 100 Football Players Retrospective

I love top (fill in the number) lists. If you're a sports fan they are one of the greatest things to watch because they spark so much debate. It is a privilege to watch the epic nature of some of the dominant players of all time. More importantly the stories and the insights that the presenters give can often elevate admiration into reverence.
I want to commend the NFL network for putting together the top 100 list. The list was well researched, contained fantastic highlight footage, had some amazing anecdotes, and for the most part the presenters were intriguing to watch.
Some might say that my above comments are a prelude to a "sandwich." For those who aren't familiar with the "sandwich" it is a term often used in the business world where you provide someone with positive feedback, then a coaching opportunity, and then another positive comment to end with.
That is not going to happen with my assessment of the top 100 NFL players of all time.
There were so many examples of injustice on this list that it has me seething with what my wife would probably think is a disproportionate amount of righteous indignation. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I love football and more importantly I love the history of the game. I've decided to split this post up into four categories: who should not be on the list, who was left off the list (the most people of the four categories), who is not high enough, and who is too high. Let's begin the dissection.
WHO SHOULD NOT BE ON THE LIST
1. Joe Namath #100 This selection is the most egregious of the list. To be perfectly honest I don't think that Namath should even be on the top 10 of an all time QB list. Aside from being the first quarterback in league history to throw for 4,000 yards and winning Superbowl III, Namath's stats aren't just pedestrian they are down right atrocious. He has a completion percentage of only 50%, his TD to Int ratio is 173 to 220, and his QB career rating is 65.5. Seriously? This guy makes your top 100? Even at 100 it is laughable. Maybe the worst statistic of all is that he has a record as a starting quarter back of 62-63. Forget being on the NFL's top 100, Namath shouldn't even be in the Hall of Fame.
2. Michael Strahan #99 Look I'm not saying that Michael Strahan wasn't a great player. He was a seven time pro bowler, recorded 141.5 career sacks, and was the 2001 defensive player of the year. Michael Strahan belongs and will be in the NFL Hall of Fame. That does not mean that he belongs on the top 100 list. (Remember this is the top 100 FOOTBALL players of all time...not necessarily those who were the best at their position.) I never thought that he was particularly great at stopping the run and his 22.5 sacks in a single season is a joke. Anyone who goes back and watches the game where he got the record and "sacked" Brett Favre knows this is true. Brett Favre basically layed down on the ground and Strahan touched him. With all the other football players who were left off this list his selection is questionable at best.

WHO SHOULD BE ON THE LIST
1. Jerry Kramer
Jerry Kramer historically gets no love and I have no idea why. Maybe because it is so hard sometimes to quantify stats for offensive linemen, but there is no question that he should be on this list. From 1958 to 1968 he was one of the most dominant guards in the league for Lombardi's Green Bay Packers. In fact next to John Hannah and Larry Allen I'd put him up there as one of the best guards ever. Kramer was a 5 time 1st team All-Pro selection, a 5 time NFL champion, a member of the 1960s all decade team, and part of the NFL's 50th anniversary team. Kramer also made one of the most famous blocks of all-time in the 1967 Ice Bowl to give Bart Starr the winning touchdown and the Green Bay Packers their third straight NFL title. He absolutely belongs on this list. The only thing worse is that somehow he is still not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
2. Marvin Harrison
Where is the rule that says you have to be flashy or talkative to be an all-time great player? Marvin Harrsion was neither of these things. Harrison was simply one of the best NFL players of all time. There are so many records to back this up it is ridiculous. Harrison holds the record for most receptions in a season with 143, and also has 1,102 receptions, 14,000+ rushing yards, and 128 tds for his career. He has the most consecutive years with at least 1,400 yards receiving with 4, the most consecutive seasons with 100+ catches with 4, 59 career 100 yard receiving games which is third all-time, the second most receiving yards in a decade with 10,439, and the list goes on. Put aside the fact that he was an 8 time pro bowler and a 6 time 1st team All-Pro, he was only six feet tall and played at a slim 178 pounds. If numbers like these don't warrant a spot on this list I don't know what does.
3. Thurman Thomas
Until LaDainian Tomlinson came along was there ever a better running back out of the backfield than Thurman Thomas? You'd be hard pressed to find one. He caught 472 receptions for 4,458 yards out of the backfield in his career. Doubly impressive when you consider that in college he was almost never a featured person on pass plays. Thurman was a five time pro-bowler, the 1991 NFL MVP, and rushed for over 12,000 yards in his career. Thomas went to the Superbowl four times, was a first team all pro three times, and is the all-time leading rusher in Bills history surpassing even the great OJ Simpson. The fact that he is probably the only person ever to keep Barry Sanders on the bench (in college) is amazing as well.
4. Curtis Martin
Curtis Martin is one of the toughest rushers I've ever seen. He came to play every Sunday and fought for every yard. His 3,518 rushing attempts are third all-time, his 17,430 yards from scrimmage are seventh all-time, and he's the oldest player ever to win a rushing title at 31 years old. Aside from Walter Payton, Emmit Smith, and Barry Sanders he is only the 4th person ever to surpass 14,000 rushing yards. Add to the fact that he was a class act on and off the field, was a five time pro-bowler, and the offensive rookie of the year in 1995 and you've got one of the all-time greats.
5. Jim Kelly
I'm telling you right now if Terry Bradshaw is on this list then Jim Kelly definitely belongs on this list. Aside from the fact that Kelly has no Superbowl rings his statistics are better than Bradshaw in virtually every category. If not for the fact that he played two years in the USFL (where he had 83 career td passes and 5,000+ yards passing) Kelly's stats could have been even greater. As it is he is the Buffalo Bills all-time leading passer with 35,467 yards and 237 touchdown passes. When you consider that he also played in a no-huddle offense where he could have easily called more passing plays the statistics become even more impressive. As a four time pro bowler and consummate professional, he was also a tough quarterback and the ultimate team player.
6. Will Shields
That Kansas City Chiefs guard Will Shields in not on this list boggles the mind. Along with Larry Allen, he was the most dominant guard of the 90s and 2000s. A twelve time pro-bowler Shields started 223 games for the Chiefs and was a nine time first team all-pro. He was also a great humanitarian winning the Walter Payton Man of the Year award in 2003. Add to the fact that those twelve pro-bowls were all consecutive, including the last year he played, I see no reason why he doesn't belong on this list.
7. Jim Marshall
This one just sticks in my craw. At 248 pounds Marshall was undersized at defensive end even for his time. A member of the Purple People Eater defense along with Alan Page in the 1960s and 70s, Marshall played for 19 seasons and never missed a game. His 282 consecutive starts are 2nd all time to Brett Favre. And considering the position he played that stat is even more impressive. He was a pro-bowler only twice in his career but you also have to consider the era in which he played where no sacks were recorded. His "wrong way" play is often what he is most remembered for but that shouldn't detract from how good this guy was. Again he's another guy like Jerry Kramer who belongs in the Pro Football Hall of Fame and on this list.
8. Larry Wilson
Larry Wilson is maybe the most underrated safety that ever played professional football and it is probably because he played for the dismal Cardinals back in the 1960s. But his skills and toughness were unparalleled. In 13 NFL seasons he was an 8 time pro-bowler and an 8 time all-pro. Wilson had 52 career interceptions and was an infectious player who could galvanize a team with his excitement and hard hits. A member of the 1960s AND 1970s all decade teams, Wilson once played with casts on two broken wrists...and intercepted a pass. Now THAT is an all-time NFL player.

NOT HIGH ENOUGH

1. Brett Favre #20
That the quarterback who is the all time leader in every statistical passing category is not higher than #20 is a travesty. This guy at the least belongs in the top 10. Stats don't lie: 70,000+ yards passing, 500+ touchdown passes, 6000+ completions, and 10,000+ attempts--all records. In a twenty year career he has been a pro-bowler 11 times, a three time MVP, and a Superbowl champion. Favre has also started at quarterback 292 straight games and in my opinion, along with Johnny Unitas, is the toughest quarterback ever. Maybe the most telling statistic as well is the 183 regular season victories he has--also a record. Farve is WAY too low.
2. Johnny Unitas #6
Johnny Unitas belongs in the top three NFL players of all-time. End of discussion. That he is sixth behind Lawrence freakin' Taylor and Joe Montana is insulting. Forget about playing in "the greatest game ever played" the 1958 NFL championship game, he perfected the two minute drill and played in an era where the forward pass was a novel idea. A ten time pro-bowler and a three time NFL MVP, Unitas passed for over 40,000 yards in his career and 290 touchdowns in an era when "three yards and a cloud of dust" was the mantra of the NFL. His 47 straight games with a touchdown pass is a record that will maybe never be broken and is right on par with Joe Dimaggio's 56 game hit streak. This guy is the Godfather of the modern NFL and helped made the league into what it is today.
3. Bruce Smith #31
#31! #31 are you kidding me???? Tom Brady and Bronco Nagurski are ahead of Bruce Smith?? Not in my book. Never. This guy deserves to be in the top 15 at least and in my mind is a better player that Reggie White who was in the top ten. The only defensive end better than Bruce was Deacon Jones. And how is Reggie better than Bruce? Because he carpetbagged it to Green Bay and won a Superbowl? Don't make me laugh. A two time defensive player of the year Smith made 11 pro-bowls and recorded 200 sacks--an all time record. Not only was he great at rushing the quarterback he could stop the run with his tremendous quickness and agility. In 19 NFL seasons I never saw anyone able to stop his spin move. Smith was a dominant defensive end that could play in any era and the people who made this list ought to be ashamed of putting him at 31.

TOO HIGH

1. Jerry Rice at #1
Look Jerry Rice in my mind is the best receiver that ever played in the NFL. He was a perfect route runner who was able to elevate his game in big game situations. The fact that he holds almost every statistical record for a receiver is a testament to his work ethic and his ability. Overall I'd say he is #3. #1 I would still say is Jim Brown. The legacy of Jim Brown may never be surpassed: Nine pro-bowls in nine seasons, led the league in rushing eight times, eight time first team all-pro, and a three time MVP, one year he led the league in rushing with 1,863 yards...in a twelve game season! His average of 5.2 yards a carry and an average of over 100 yards a game for his career are still records. You could not bring Jim Brown down with just one man. Considering that he retired at the age of 29, it is terrifying to think what he could have done if he'd played another five years. In my opinion there is no question he is the greatest of all time.
2. Lawrence Taylor #3
Excuse my language but you've gotta be fucking kidding me! Yes Taylor belongs on this list and probably in the top twenty five, but #3? Not a chance. As an outside linebacker he was fantastic at rushing the passer and his 132.5 career sacks bare that out. But that was all he was good for. He could not pass cover to save his life and only had eleven career interceptions. Many of his former teammates and coaches also stated that a main reason he rushed the quarterback so much was that he was too stupid to understand the defense. In my mind Jack Ham of the Pittsburgh Steelers was a much more complete outside linebacker than Lawrence Taylor ever was. In 13 seasons he had 32 interceptions and 21 fumble recoveries. He played the run and the pass with equal efficiency and could cover almost everyone. This is the most ridiculous and unjustified ranking on the whole list hands down.
3. Terry Bradshaw #50
Look Terry Bradshaw definitely belongs on this list but probably at #75 not #50. He made big plays in big games and was a leader on the 70s Steelers but #50? I don't think so. He only made the pro-bowl three times and his quarterback rating is a pathetic 70.9. Bradshaw only has 2 more touchdown passes than interceptions (212-210) and doesn't even have 30,000 yards passing. Bart Starr at #51 should be livid. Granted Starr only had a 152 touchdown passes and less than 24,000 yards passing but he called a much better game than Bradshaw ever did and was a five time world champion. Additionally he also played on a team that was predicated on the run. No way Bradshaw belongs this high.

Well it is time for me to come down off my soapbox. I've exhausted my anger and I'm glad I got that off my chest. I know not everyone out there will not agree with me but I hope I've made a few compelling arguments. As much as this list infuriated me I can't wait for the next one. After all, in a season where my beloved Bills look like a Pop Warner team I don't have much to cling to.

My Vampires Have Always Been BadAsses!!!

When it comes to monsters my all time favorite is the vampire. Nothing even compares. Vampires embody some of our most primal fears: being taken over by a foreign entity, claustrophobia (coffins), becoming a thrall to the master (slavery), and our loved ones being brought back from the dead in one kind of evil form or another.

It is with great sadness, regret, and abject horror that I've witnessed the pussification of the vampire in modern culture in the last several years. I've seen my beloved blood sucking ghouls reduced from malevolent spawns of darkness to brooding emo goth asshats who look like they haven't had a sandwich in six months let alone a sip of O+.

Somewhere Abraham Van Helsing is turning over in his fictional grave.

While many factors have contributed to this debacle of the undead , one glaring piece of fecal matter sticks out. You know what I'm talking about: The Twilight Novels.

(Now I freely admit I've read all the books. Before you go judging me I want to say there are two reasons why I subjected myself to these atrocities of "literature." The first is that I love all things vampire. Sometimes you find some excellent diamonds in the rough. Incidentally, anyone who is a fan of vamps I suggest you check out the novels I Am Legend by Richard Matheson or The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. Secondly, anyone who follows my blog knows that about 75% of it is devoted to movie reviews. Anytime I have to see a movie based on a novel I like to read it ahead of time if I can. And let's face it sometimes it can be fun to trash a truly awful movie like the Twilight films are. Furthermore, the movies have the added bonus of being based on equally horrendous books.)

The titular head of Stephanie Meyer's vampire saga is Edward Cullen. Never has a more ridiculous, unlikeable, or weaker vampire been created by an author. I use the term "author" liberally because Stephanie Meyer's works are nothing more than one step above fan fiction. Edward is a "vegetarian" who doesn't feast on humans but rather drinks animal blood. He also is resistant to silver and garlic and never seems to show fangs. Worst of all Edward, rather than be killed by daylight, simply sparkles in the sun.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Real vampires are NONE of these things. They are dark, malevolent, evil creatures whose fangs gleam in the moonlight. Vampires are relentless, domineering, lustful creatures.

REAL vampires drink human blood.

REAL vampires kill.

REAL vampires die in sunlight, a stake through the heart, or silver.

You want a REAL example of vampires? Rent 30 Days of Night. The vampires are animalistic bad-asses. Just like vampires should be.

Edward Cullen and the rest of Meyer's "vampires" are not denizens of the undead. They are charlatans, tricksters, fake vamps in goth/emo clothing. They might as well put on white face paint and drink Clamato juice like the douches on South Park.

Now granted I can tolerate certain "good" vampires like Bill Compton on HBO's True Blood. The acting and story lines are fantastic with a ton of supernatural creatures. Plus it was put together by Alan Ball and anyone who has watched Six Feet Under knows what that man can do when he gets behind a television show.

The reason I can enjoy a show like True Blood however is because it doesn't stray too far away from the vampire mythos. Vampires on TB are vicious, violent, rampantly sexual, and are killed by most of the standard means. Twilight deviates so far from the norm it is laughable. The novels read more like something one of the Bronte sisters from 19th century might have written. Meyer has come out and said she based the Twilight novels on books like Wuthering Heights. Not only does that prove that she has no original ideas, it also shows her taste in literature is horrendous. If I want a brooding novel set in gloomy English countrysides I'll go re-read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre. However, since I hated both those novels it's never going to happen. Meyer's vampires might as well be a completely different monster. Call them Pattipires.

And what hath Twilight wrought? Only more of the same unfortunately. Now not only do I have to deal with twihards (who mostly consist of 13 year old girls) and the unfortunate launch of Robert Pattinson's "career" but I have to deal with shite like The Vampire Diaries on the CW. Even worse my friend Chip texted me the other day from Barnes and Noble and said there were three stands of books under the category "Teen Paranormal Romance." Uggghhh. Someone just shove an ash stake through my heart right now.

I sincerely hope that there is an end to this bleak and gloomy (or should I say brooding and sparkly) tunnel. I just have to remain patient and pray that this whole vampire-light phase is merely a fad. Until then I'll have to content myself with re-reading 'Salem's Lot, watching The Lost Boys for the 1000th time, and burning pictures of Robert Pattinson.