Review: Battle: Los Angeles

Plot: When strange meteorites hitting the Earth's surface turn out to be an alien invasion, it's up to a group of United States marines led by Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhart) to find the aliens' command and control center and retake Los Angeles from the extraterrestrial insurgents.

Review: Battle: Los Angeles is the bastardization of films like War of the Worlds, Independence Day, and Black Hawk Down. Unfortunately, it lacks the visceral impact of any of those films. A bombastic, over the top nightmare of a film from start to finish, Battle: Los Angeles should have been named Loud and Obnoxious or Full of Bullets and Explosions. Director Jonathan Liebesman's hokey send up to alien invasion films is plotted out with the precision of 90 year old man with palsy shooting a machine gun and just as poorly executed. It's a desperate attempt to mimic Ridley Scott that fails miserably. Instead Liebesman (director of such gems as Darkness Falls and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning) comes off like a third rate Michael Bay, and yes that is meant as an insult.

To be fair it's hard to direct a quality movie when the script apparently was written on the back of a pizza box. In crayon. Christopher Bertolini's screenplay is a disaster. Sauced with cliched "win one for the Gipper" speeches, peppered with one dimensional characters like the young virgin marine, and garnished with terrible lines such as "It's ok I'm a veterinarian," this gumbo of a script tastes as bad as it smells. Apparently Bertolini thought bullets should have the most lines in this film.

I was thankful that at least some of the bullets hit their mark in Battle: Los Angeles, as there were so many stock characters that I had absolutely no affinity for. Never have I rooted so hard for aliens to take over the human race. Aaron Eckhart is decent as Nantz but the tough-guy-who-is-really-hurting-inside role is kind of tailor made for him. Seemed like he was cashing a paycheck on this one. Tom Brady's baby momma Bridget Moynahan also makes an appearance as vet Michele Martinez, though God knows why. Her character is so transparent that you could poke a hole through her. Perhaps Moynahan was given this role to distract from Brady's ponytail? I'm not sure.

And to piggy-back on Mike's recent article about the Plausibility Threshold; my bs tolerance for Battle: Los Angeles kicked in about fifteen minutes into the film. For some strange reason our military seemed to think that the alien invaders only had ground forces and were shocked when they suddenly discovered they had air support. Also the aliens only apparent weak spot is just to the right of where a human heart would be. Really? So basically a chest shot that most humans or animals would be susceptible to? Apparently Agatha Christie added the intrigue to that little plot twist. Oh and apparently all the ground and air machines (one of which looked like an AT-AT walker from Star Wars) are drones controlled by a command and control center. (CACC) Knocking out the CACC registers all the drones non-functional. Again really? Aliens traveled untold light years yet they have virtually no protection against our weak-ass missiles and no redundant systems at all? Apparently Earth is being attacked by aliens with the intelligence level of "The Situation" from "Jersey Shore" in Battle: Los Angeles.

If I had to pick from being anally probed by aliens and watching this film again, I'd reach for the lube immediately--that's how bad this movie is. Trust me on this one and avoid Battle: Los Angeles like a sidewinder missile.

My rating: 2/10